Aah, the most wonderful time of year is here! Let me get all my red, white, and green clothes out of my trunk, so I can feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie.
Everyone has their rituals to celebrate the birth of the messiah.
But With 718250 Christmas movies coming out each year, there’s no doubt that Hollywood has perfected the formula to having a jolly Christmas.
And the godly woman that I am – always willing to work for the greater good – I have consumed these movies and have come up with 7 ways in which women can experience the best Christmas ever.
Whether you’re pretending to work while imagining how Kevin McCallister would get out of this hostage situation; repeatedly taking the quiz, “Which Love Actually storyline would totally be you?” till you get David and Natalie, or purchasing bags of candy cane online – which will inevitably stay on your kitchen shelf till they melt in the summer heat and become the ghosts of Christmas past – follow the steps given below for a merry time.
First and foremost, have wealthy parents
This is the most basic tenet of having a good time. T
he beautiful decorations, the giant Christmas tree, and going on misadventures only to return home and appreciate the value of friends and family takes money.
If your house has the right yardage, every misdemeanour becomes hilarious and every sexually inappropriate act is brushed off. It doesn’t mean you have to live in your parent’s palatial mansion. You can still be a struggling writer in the city, living in a matchbox apartment or a college student living in a conspicuously large flat that people don’t understand how you can afford (shhh… it’s that trust fund money). As long as you have filthy rich parents who can fly you out on a private jet, you can have a Christmas worthy of the silver screen.
If you can’t get rich parents ASAP, find a rich partner
People might tell you that February is the month of love, but they’re wrong. There is nothing more romantic than rediscovering that spark with your high school sweetheart under the twinkling Christmas lights, back in your hometown, no less. It doesn’t matter if you are in another 3-year relationship or engaged to marry. They are not right for you and you know it.
If they aren’t your first love – who refused to become a money-grubbing corporate slave like you and still somehow made a fortune – is it even worth it?
Go back to your ‘charming’ hometown
It’s time to return to your roots and show them the big city career woman you’ve become. And while you’re there, you MUST be the busiest you’ve been in the last 5 years.
Every waking moment of your day must be spent on the laptop, on calls, making important reports. Till you discover that the company you work for is trying to break down the
decrepit rustic town square.
So you switch from your pantsuit to your overalls, get a slushie from the shop around the corner that is somehow still in business despite not having changed the menu or the price since 1975, and work out a plan to save this town from annihilation.
With the mayor’s blessings, your grandma’s secret will, and your years of experience ‘handling these city folks’, you’ll defeat the evil corporation and everyone will burst into song and dance.
You will save Christmas.
Either be obsessed with Christmas or hate it with your guts
As we all know, there is no in-between when it comes to Christmas. Come December, you either hiss at every smiling passerby who says “happy holidays” or you hug strangers on the street till they squirm and try to pry your arms away. And either of these two states is determined by whether you are a power-hungry workaholic bitch boss, or a sweet, quirky, always-there-to-help-the-needy, paints-in-the-park type. If your house isn’t a physical manifestation of a psychedelic trip during Christmas, then it might as well be as bare as an 18th-century jail cell.
The only thing you both have in common, however, is that you’re both exceptionally unlucky in love despite being literal goddesses.
Believe in Santa Claus
It doesn’t matter how old you are or how sane you act during the rest of the year – during Christmas time, you have to believe that Santa is real. This is crucial. We’ve all heard the fables, and all year round we laugh at kids who are willing to fall for this scam. But not you.
You must willingly suspend disbelief and tell people that if they are good, a bearded old man will come into their homes at night and leave them a little something.
Get roped into a competition at the last minute
Doesn’t matter what kind of competition it is; you must participate in one, albeit unwillingly. The options are endless, from karaoke to cooking to curling. This will be your moment to shine. Christmas is the time for giving. And you must give this your all. Nobody will expect you to do well except for your beau and that kid in the wheelchair you gave candy to.
And voila! with sheer grit, perseverance, and Christmas magic, you’ll make the most breathtaking cake while trampolining on a unicycle.
Pray for a miracle
Christmas is the most magical time of year, where busy dads finally realise they have families, evil corporations lose to a bunch of orphans, and Vanessa Hudgens multiplies. If all of this can happen, then you deserve your own little miracle. So, find yourself a falling star (we are led to believe there are many on Christmas eve) to wish upon and ask for the impossible.
Ask for a good Christmas movie.
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