dating / relationships

Job alert! This girl is hiring a partner. Terms and conditions apply

. 4 min read . Written by Nruthya Johnson
Job alert! This girl is hiring a partner. Terms and conditions apply

Disclaimer: This work is a piece of satire and does not reflect the true opinions of Kool Kanya or the author, nor are actual applications for a partner for the author open.

This notice is to inform you that applications for the position of my Significant Other are now open. Because I think I’m finally ready to have The One who will make my life more meaningful. I’ve pretty much been single (I know!) all my life, but I finally think I’m ready for that next step after 24 years of ‘Finding Myself’ as most love gurus suggest. And isn’t now the right time to get out there before I fall into the habit of being single for the rest of my life (I’m not complaining, but those “shaadi kab kar rahe ho?” comments are finally getting to me).

While we’re on the subject of habits, I’m not a gal who’s hard-set in her ways. I’m pretty chill — I’m one of those cool girls who’s just like The Guys. Like if you constantly spell words wrong, don’t leave the right kind of space when punctuating, don’t return things where they belong, or don’t validate me every waking moment, then I wouldn’t be mad. Not too mad. If you knew me well enough, you wouldn’t do these things, but even if you did, I wouldn’t be mad-mad.

If we do get serious about this relationship, I just want you to know that what’s mine is yours. Everything except my space. And some of my things. Strike that – most of my things. Don’t touch those. We should probably have separate rooms so that you won’t have to sleep on the sofa in case we fight you’re wrong. Even if I were wrong, I wouldn’t sleep on the sofa, so separate rooms would be best. But we can always sleep in the same bed when I feel like it. Sure, my bed will have my laptop, a comb, maybe a lip gloss, some clothes that I forgot to fold, my purse, a couple of my notebooks, a hair-tie (or three), but you can always push them to the side and go to sleep. Preferably push them to my side so I don’t become paranoid thinking that you’re touching my things. You could add your phone in the mix too so I might go through your gallery and your texts and your DMs and your notes app while you’re asleep, because how would I really know you if I didn't? Speaking of sides, don’t sleep on my side of the bed. Ever. It probably took me years to perfect that exact dip in the bed that mirrors my body shape and size and I don’t want you ruining it.

Since we’re committed, we could get a pet. A dog, perhaps. I love dogs. But I don’t like how energetic they are sometimes. So we might just have to get a cat. I’ll be mostly busy every single day working my 9 to 9 job because I take up unnecessary tasks that others dump on me simply because I can’t say ‘no’ (and also because I need to show them that I’m a hard worker who deserves that raise so I can finally bridge the wage gap and earn as much as you if not more for putting in lesser hours than I do). Well, because I’ll be so busy, you’ll have to help out with the house and take care of our cat, sorry pet (forgot we haven’t decided yet), and mostly do everything in the house.

I enjoy working from home where I don’t have to engage with people. You can always join me if you’d like but I’d prefer if you didn’t. I don’t like distracting noises. What? My loud music blasting through my headphones? No no, that’s never distracting. It may be ear-shattering to you, but it’s just white noise to me. But you shouldn’t munch on snacks or whistle or walk around dragging your feet, because that’s distracting and annoying. You can work in the living room. Unless I want to work there. Maybe it’s best if you just locked yourself in your room all day and didn’t hang out with me unless I wanted you to. We can talk to each other and cuddle our (cat?) pet when I’m on a break, of course. Unless I’m in one of my moods. Then we don’t. You could just text me constantly. I assure you, the endless pings of your notifications wouldn’t bother me one bit. In fact, I would rather expect you to think constantly about me. How else would I reaffirm you’re in love with me and not hanging out with The Boys or seeing someone else? I might just text your friends and family to know your whereabouts if you’re texting me all the time, so you might as well take the initiative.

All in all, I think I want to live independently. Or maybe even date independently. I should probably talk to my therapist about this and figure out through multiple sessions why I need someone else to fill that mostly non-existent void in me that I’m probably trying to fill because FOMO. Maybe I should just date my therapist. I should probably change the title of this notice to ‘Calling all potential therapist-partners’ or something. They wouldn’t be one of those people who only think of themselves. Know what I mean?

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