lazy girl edition / lazy girl's guide / relationships / marriage material

The lazy girl’s guide to becoming 'marriage material' and settling down

. 8 min read . Written by Nruthya Johnson
The lazy girl’s guide to becoming 'marriage material' and settling down

'It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife'.

That’s the OG line from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, but have you heard the other one? 'It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman irrespective of anything except that she is born and now exists, must be in want of a husband.’ Guaranteed it’s fairly uncommon and unheard of, so it’s alright if this is your first time reading this line.  

So, you’re ready to settle down, or you at least think you are. But girrrl, are you marriage material yet?

Signs you’re ‘marriage material’

Maybe one day you wake up and decide that you’re not getting any younger, and you’re starting to look like the cranky old evil step-mother instead of the beautiful dame. Life isn’t too magical in reality, is it? How does the child in you suddenly want a child in you? I mean that literally.

Whether you see yourself buying your wedding dress or your baby’s clothes (slow down already), try to dial down your excitement levels to a realistic level first. Now you can look for the ‘signs’.

Signs you’re ready for marriage include but are not limited to:

  • Not being a man-hater
  • Being ready to pop out babies at your will
  • Having no opinion of your own
  • Having the ability to morph your personality and likes according to what your partner and in-laws require of you
  • Believing that the stars are right about your compatibility
  • Having the energy to have sex whenever and wherever your partner wishes to
  • Being a people-pleaser
  • Understanding Sima Taparia’s reasoning in Indian Matchmaking

But there are indeed more important things to keep in mind if you want to transform into someone your partner thinks is ‘marriage material’.

How to transform yourself into the perfect concoction of ‘marriage material’

In a world where it’s hard to find matching socks after you’ve washed them, it seems pointless often to find your match.

As if ‘adulting’ 24/7, doing the dishes every 3 hours, having a social life and still acing your job while keeping your insanity (or is it sanity? Aren’t all creators insane in their own way…) intact wasn’t enough, apparently society ke log are determined on having you physically, emotionally, and sexually analysed and sending you out into the world of arranged marriages after expecting you to stay away from ladke up until that moment.

Whatever happened to the love of your life finding you and sweeping you off your feet? Now you’re expected to get off your ass and on your feet to find someone who isn’t but could possibly be closest to The One.

Personally, I would like to do something more productive. Like finding the perfect caption to the one picture I’m posting on Instagram after 86037 tries, so that it isn’t too cliche and not too philosophical.

But I digress. If you want to impress your partner (current or future — no shame in arranged marriages alright?), then here’s what you’ve got to do.

Wear more sanskaari sarees and comfy pants

Yoga pants and skinny jeans that flaunt your curves are things of the past. Move on to more wife-y clothes like sarees, because your partner might just want a younger version of their mom, who toils all day in layers of clothing for absolutely no gratitude.

Sarees are also harder to run in, so in case you ever want to run away from this relationship, you’re going to question if it’s actually worth it. And then you’ll never leave. And hence proved: sarees are a sign that you’re ready to settle down.

Don’t forget to add comfy pants too, because no one likes a woman complaining about the comfort of having to sit at home. Rustle some feathers as you sit away the rest of your boring, unhappening life in comfort!

If you’re already faking moans, it’s time for smiles too

Most of us (in hetrosexual relationships) already do this, so you don’t really have to work a lot on it. And at the end of the day for us lazy folks, that’s all that matters.

New research (made up by me right now) claims that women are more attractive when they smile! It’s remarkable, isn’t it? It finally makes sense why countless men on the streets have asked me to smile as I walk by. Those good souls were just looking out for me! God bless their hearts.

Partners are more interested in women who can laugh at their jokes (especially ones cracked at your expense). Nerd jokes and sexist jokes are the ones you need to be especially careful around. If you don’t laugh at those jokes, there’s a good chance you might break up because they think you’re the ‘F’ word.

I’d highly recommend drawing on a fake smile with a permanent marker. Or better yet, tattoo it onto your face.

Continue reading below...

Work on your intelligence

Who doesn’t want to date someone smart? Who wouldn’t want to marry you if you weren’t smart? That’s why doctors and engineers are so commonly found. Not because their job is great or it pays a lot. The sole reason is smartness. It’s sexy to know where everything is placed in your (hypothetical) house as your partner is too busy being late to work again.

Just check any movie that has a scientist in it. Don’t they all have a really sexy woman strutting around, just emanating intelligence from her big br…ains? What did you think I was going to say? (Perv).

Instead of your kundli, just compare your resumes to check if you’re compatible.

Just be educated enough so that you can have intelligent conversations when you entertain guests, but not educated enough to tell off that uncle (You know which one). Or be smart enough to support your partner when they’re stuck with a problem, but are too egotistical to ask for help.

Remember not to be too smart either so that your partner doesn’t feel insignificant; just throw random ideas and convince them that they were the ones who thought of it in the first place and not you.

And have no opinion of your own. If not, partners (I explicitly mean men here) could face the danger of spontaneous combustion. You don’t want to be accused of arson now, do you? (Yes, arson is the word used for property, and if you’re your partner’s property, it works the other way around too right? RIGHT?) So ladies, if anything, be more compassionate with your brains.

Good looks, good looks and… good looks

Even when you swipe on dating apps, isn't it someone's appearance that first catches your eye? No matter what wannabe influencers online tell you about appearance-positivity and whatnot, don't fall for it. "Everyone is beautiful in their own way" but the complete saying should be, "Everyone is beautiful in their own way but there's only one right way."

If you're a woman of marriageable age who doesn’t have good looks, then you might as well join a convent or tell yourself (and others) that you're an independent woman who needs no man. As long as you don't mention that you won't get no man, you're in the clear.

Be thin, and not healthy-looking. But not too thin that childbearing is a risk, because if you can't have babies, what else can you bring to the marriage?

Be pretty enough that you can easily land a job. What you do need to look out for is not looking "too pretty". You don't want to make your partner unnecessarily jealous of the stares and offers you get, do you? If people are going to go around saying that you bagged that promotion because of your looks alone, then your partner is going to be very upset. If you're too pretty, work on “uglifying” yourself. Crossing my fingers for you, hoping that you aren't that attractive.

Become of a marriageable age

Any woman above the age of 21 is by default ’marriage material’.

Unless, of course, you still need to work on yourself with regards to any of the aforementioned factors to consider.

At the end of the day, you may be a wife to your partner, but you're a mother — to your children and to your partner. Unless you have the maturity to handle children (both of young and old age) – which comes with age and experience – consider that you might not be ready for marriage. Yet.

The good news is that girls mature much faster, which means that a few more months of being slut-shamed by irrelevant others and reliving your school days and the restrictions that were placed on you and your body could give you a lending hand to ace this maturity thing quite easily and quickly.

And ask your mom to teach you how to make 'gol' rotis. If you don't, it might as well be considered sacrilege.

Mix all these and you're all set to be marriage material. Of course, the most important factor is that you’re single and ready to settle down. It doesn’t quite work well if you’re already in a relationship with someone (unless that someone is who you’re planning to marry).

Believe it or not, having multiple partners is sort of frowned upon, so unless you want to be called words (hey, I told you to practise, didn’t I?), settle for just one. Good luck!

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